All right. So I'm sitting in the movies next to my wonderful girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. We are watching trailer after trailer as we wait for the feature to begin. At first, all I can think about are the explosions and car chases (what ever happened to catching people's eyes with the flash of a good story?). All of a sudden, something strikes me: Every single masculine hero is idolized for their extreme independence. The thing that makes them attractive is their ability to survive completely alone against unbelievable odds.

In an individualistic culture like ours, this isn't surprising. But it seems to have reached new heights with films like the recent James Bond and the Bourne trilogy. It seems that the ideal man is one that needs nothing, needs never ask permission and can kill fifteen men with the sharp edge of a tuna can or a letter opener. No wonder I get confused about how to communicate my needs in relationships. I mean how is any man to be expected to understand the strength of vulnerability when media is presenting lone-sex-gods like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible or the husky-voiced Jack Bauer as the masculine paradigm.

As if these expressions of masculinity aren't strong enough to encourage relational insecurities in men, TV shows offer a completely opposite and equally unhelpful view of what it means to be a "domesticated" man. The new TV series Modern Family is a great show, but I sometimes have trouble laughing about the antics of the father figure "Phil." When the show started he couldn't keep his eyes on his wife, he couldn't effectively communicate with his kids, he lacked the self-awareness necessary for one to be considered competent and was endearing only because of the myriad of other weaknesses that spewed out of his character. His presence is evolving into a more desirable and commendable role with each episode, but it had to start with incompetence. Phil is only one example in a long line of blundering housemen: Homer Simpson, Tim "The Tool-Man" Taylor, Doug Heffernan of King of Queens, Ray Romano of Everybody Loves Raymond and the list goes on and on.

Granted, these are all comedies, but they still shape the picture of what it means to be a married man in America. The picture they paint is that getting married is completely antithetical to the journey toward the archetypes of manliness that Hollywood puts out and (sorry ladies, let's be honest here) that women eat up. I mean, would you rather have Brad Pitt slaying his way through the bloody Trojan War, or Doug Heffernan, stupid, fat delivery guy that would be lost and starving in the streets if it weren't for his patient and capable wife.

Hey, I don't blame you ladies. Given this scenario, I would want Brad Pitt, too. I just think we all might be failing to note that men are choosing between these two examples, as well. Many of us are so desperately focused on becoming the strong, independent, invulnerable, sexy heroes that you ladies seem to drool over that we are trying to avoid tripping over a relationship with you and stumbling into the weak, needy, house-pet role. Does anyone else see the madness in all this?

Let's remember that from the moment we are born, someone or something is attempting to shape us in its image. These two views of what it means to be a man are caricatures of caricatures of caricatures that have been recapitulated throughout the ages. I am afraid they have got me and my brothers in somewhat of an internal tug-of-war. The worst part is the rope isn't real.

Men, ladies don't really want a secret spy who sleeps with women to get information and then comes home and lies his way around the bedroom (and if you meet a lady who does, you can do better). Men, getting married won't rob you of power and leave you comatose on a couch. We have been set free from both of these facades. These are not the images of masculinity after which we are being shaped.

We live in the kingdom of God - not in any of the hundreds of kingdoms that Hollywood sells. Our kingdom was inaugurated by the world-liberating act of dying a fool's death on a Roman cross and the world-conquering event of the resurrection. Our King is the only man capable of effectively bringing true salvation to anyone, and he exists in a communal, loving relationship. He did so before creation and will do so eternally. Jesus gained all of his strength from the Father's love and we gain all of our strength, knowledge and power from his love for us. God made us, and he tells us that it just isn't good for a man to be alone. Relationships are powerful. They break the chains of narcissism and endless striving. A good and loving woman will help you to be content with who you are - with who God is shaping you to be.

Men, don't go to war with your self over relational insecurities. If there is a woman who you love, show the world what kind of man God has made you and lay down your life for her. Ladies, help us out. Open our eyes to the truth by taking the time to communicate what you really long for in a man. Don't leave us quietly shrinking while you get all googley-eyed over the washboard stomach on a Hollywood-made ken doll. If we don't work together in love, the world will just keep pulling us apart from the inside out. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my girlfriend.

K. Swann is a singer-songwriter in New York City with cutting edge thoughts on life, art and spirituality. He is currently studying Biblical Studies and Theology at Nyack College.