My windows and blinds were sprawled open last Sunday...welcoming in melodies of my neighbor's birds along with blissfully golden sunlight. It seems the sun shines this magically only on Sundays.

Bobby Jones' Gospel droned on in the background as my daughter and I rushed to make it to service. My mind was everywhere else but on the show, that is, until a psalmist whispered "I want a heart that forgives/a heart full of love/one with compassion like Yours above..." I stopped as if under arrest. Well, I'm gonna put guardedness aside here and just confess that the Holy Spirit arrested me on the spot. Tears glistened in my eyes. My heart filled with a melody, just like the birds out yonder.

"When the pain is so deep, it's so hard to speak, about it to anyone/
Just like Your Son, I give up my right to hold it against them with hatred inside"

The single most heartbreaking thing that I've ever ever ever endured took place a few weeks ago. It involves my daughter.I lost myself for a few days and wore a cloak of aloofness, heaviness, cynicism. I felt I owed my daughter and Jesus a good Christmas spirit so I pressed on robotically. Eating, sleeping and thinking clearly became chores. No doubt, the hardest part about the storm was that the wrongdoing was committed not by a single person but by several. And although some backpeddled, it was too little, too late.

I don't know if you've ever been so let down that you want to move to a different city, or even entertained entering the mission field someplace abroad. To be sure, disillusionment is not a viable reason to do either, yet that's what it came to for me. My mind was scattered, but--hallelujah--now that the issue has subsided I have peace that surpasses understanding, through Christ. That's not to say that the helpless, hopeless agony of the past month doesn't sting or move me so easily to tears, as it's doing this very moment.

Don't you just love it when God speaks your love language? Kevin Levar's psalm "A Heart that Forgives" was the balm that I needed to soothe the infected sore in my heart. As I listened to its message, I purposed that I would not be offended. I am making up my mind that the joy of the Lord is my strength. It's done. If it kills me, I opt to victoriously build a bridge and get the heck over it! 

Later, I searched Bobby Jones' Gospel show's site to find the song and crushed it on repeat for a while. Then something else...something so unexpected happened: I remembered that I need to apologize to a formerpastor's wife and a former roommate for specific, ugly things that I did to them when I was at the darkest point in my life--stupid things that I did and have yet to say"I'm sorry" for.

God reminded me that I'm just as messy as those who've hurt me.

So, I forgive.

Just as I hope to be forgiven.

Although years overdue, I've penned letters to the two ladies and desperately pray that I never again get so far from God that I'm nasty to people. And so, friends, this year I'm not making any elaborate 2011 vows. Instead, I'm set on a New Heart Resolution.

I hope that Kevin's Levar's song edifies you the way it did me...

I want a heart that forgives
A heart full of love
One with compassion just like Yours above
One that overcomes evil with goodness and love
Like it never happened, never holding a grudge
I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live
One that keeps loving over and over again
One that men can't offend
Because Your Word is within
One that loves without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies
I want to love like You, be like You, just like You did
I want a heart that forgives,

I want a heart that forgives!
When the ones that are closest, that I've known the longest, hurt me the most;
I still wanna love them just like You love me
Even though I'm hurting
I want a heart that forgives
When the pain is so deep, it's so hard to speak, about it to anyone
Just like Your Son, I give up my right to hold it against them with hatred inside
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies
I wanna love like You, be like You, just like You did
Wanna walk like You, talk like You, just like You did,
Wanna be like You, live like You, just like You did

'Cause the heart that forgives is the heart that will live
Totally free from the pain of the past
And the heart that lets go is the heart that will know so much freedom

Lord I wanna let it go
God I need to let it go
Lord its been holding me back
And I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't
I don't want it no more
I don't know exactly what to do to get rid of it, but ah...
Here I am Lord Jesus, here I am ohh, here I am Lord Jesus...ohh
Lord I need You, I need You, I know this is me that You're talking to
This is me, this is me, this is me Lord, this is me
Lord I let it go, every person, every person that's ever hurt me
God I let it go
Every single hurt
God I let it go
Every single pain
God I let it go, I let it go, I let it go
Lord You can have it, Lord You can have it,
Lord You can have it, Lord You can have it,
You can have it now, You can have it now,
'Cause I don't want it no......more

Ana Guthrie is a super cool chick with a heart for God and love for youth culture. She doubles as a not-so-naughty librarian and instructor at Florida Memorial University in Miami, Florida.