In the ‘80s and ‘90s in America, Christian teens grew up believing that the dream of a spouse, a home and a couple of kids would definitely be in their future. They just didn’t dream that it would be in an oh-so distant future.

 

The year is 2014 and many of those dreamers have yet to actually buy that home, find that spouse, but - surprisingly – that didn’t stop them for having a kid or two. What’s changed?

 

According to “Knot Yet: The Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage in America,” a recent report sponsored by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, and the RELATE Institute, the age at which men and women marry is now at historic heights—27 for women, and 29 for men—and is still climbing.

 

While early marriages in countries like Ethiopia, India and China have proven to bring to light both physical and emotional abuses plaguing women who have barely hit puberty, late marriages may have some of the same effects on both genders.

 

Twentysomething men and women who are unmarried, either single or cohabiting, drink more alcohol, are more depressed and cite lower levels of life satisfaction than do their married peers, according to the National Fatherhood Initiative’s marriage survey.

 

Now, while delaying marriage in America has helped to bring the divorce rate down since 1980 and has increased the economic fortunes of college-educated women, most Americans without college degrees now have their first child before they marry.  And this is the case in and out of the church. This, of course, means that single parent homes are on the rise. Not typically a good thing. Just ask Andre Harrison, author of From a Fatherless Father to His Sons.

 

The plus side is if one does pursue college, the same stats say that you’ll put off childbearing until after marriage – whenever that will be.

 

So, there are pros and cons to both early and late marriages. But what’s keeping Christian young adults from tying the knot? Shouldn’t they be the first to champion the cause of family values, the first of which is marriage?

 

Here are 5 reasons why young adults get cold feet WAY before the altar:

 

 

1. The Independent Women and the Laidback Man

 

 

Women, Christian or not, no longer need men around to achieve financial success in their own lives. Once they have gone to college and have become gainfully employed, what’s the rush to settle down? In fact, settling down may hurt their chances of becoming partner at their law firm or VP of Sales and Marketing at their fashion retail franchise.

 

And, guess what? A man can sense that a woman doesn’t need him. He has eye-balled that independent woman and knows she’s not interested in marriage. And he would be right. Well, she’s giving off all the signs of “Single, Independent and Married to Jesus,” isn’t she?

 

But, the statistics say the man may very well be missing out.

 

According to TwentySomethingMarriage.org, “Men who had never married had some of the lowest levels of personal income—lower even than those who married before age twenty. These results are consistent with research that the responsibility ethic associated with marriage makes men, including twentysomething men, harder, smarter, and better-paid workers.”

 

It is a philosophy that Christians agree with because it is inspired by 1 Timothy 5:8 which calls a man who doesn’t take care of his family “worse than an infidel.”

 

Christian men take this literally. So, if a woman doesn’t need him to provide, it may make him feel belittled.

 

Christian Post reporter Tyler O’Neil wrote “the old stereotype of women searching for the doctor or the lawyer is also no longer the case – they are becoming the doctors and lawyers.”

 

Erica Bourne is the founder of The Exclusive Elite, an organization that was designed to create social interactions for pre-marriage Christian professionals to discuss issues like these and overcome them well enough to form successful marriages. Her organization believes that the Black experience with success is different and it may be what is keeping Christians in the Black community from getting to the altar.

 

“In White America, people graduated from college and it was expected that marriage was next. In the Black community, it’s different,” said Bourne, a 29-year-old engineer. “This is the first generation of Black Americans who have been legally freed from laws and policies that keep us back.”

 

Bourne claims that this could be the very reason that a Black man or woman would delay marriage – the desire to finally succeed further than their mother or father could.

 

 

2. Pre-Marriage Sex is the Norm

 

 

According to Blog.Viacom, the marriage rate is falling fast in the Hispanic community, too. Traditionally, a very religious community in the United States, marriage has become somewhat passé.  A third of Hispanic young adults today are married – down 17% since 2008. In fact, 4 in 10 are unmarried and reside with their romantic partner.

 

Why is this? Well, sex outside of marriage is now the norm.

 

“Men are saying that I can date and have sex with women whenever I want because more women are more liberal today.  If that’s the case, why get married?” said Neuro-Linguistic Programming Practitioner Tobi Atte.

 

Atte, founder of a relationship and life coaching website IJustMetMe.com, claims that the philosophy is so pervasive that women are saying the same things.

 

While using popular dating sites like Christian Mingle and E-harmony can be fruitful, men and women who profess Christianity may not abide by the value of “fleeing youthful lusts” or waiting to be married before having sex.

 

Sixty-one percent of Christians said they would have sex before marriage, according to the "2014 State of Dating in America" report published by Christian Mingle and JDate.

 

A little more than half said that it's appropriate to move in with someone after dating for a time between six months and two years.

 

Once upon a time, when Christians waited for marriage to have sex, it meant that delaying the vows was not beneficial. The couple felt it was “better to marry than to burn.” Now, the scripture seems to have lost its relevance.

 

 

 

3.  The Year of the Scandal

 

 

With television programs like Betrayal, Being Mary Jane and Scandal receiving record views in the past two years, many question if the perfect marriage is even attainable anymore.

 

“Fear is the number one reason why young adults delay marriage. They are afraid because they’re thinking there is no way that they can have a successful marriage. There is no successful model to look to. So, why am I rushing into it?” said Atte.

 

TV dramas that feature a female lead having sexual trysts with married men or a male lead who attests to being unhappily married give young adults the fuel they need to delay marriage for fear that they’ll end up like a President Fitzgerald Grant.

 

Why put in the energy if I’ll end up in a loveless marriage like the one I see every Thursday night on TV, they claim?

 

Bourne said that someone told her she was “just like” the Gabrielle Union character in Being Mary Jane – am unmarried Black professional women.

 

“It disturbed me because – first of all- I’m nothing like her. And, secondly, this is the definition of deception,” said Bourne. “We want to relate so bad! We want to watch something that tells us what to do.”

 

However, just because there are some parts of a character that relate to you doesn’t mean one should begin identifying with or even letting in that continuous drama-drenched story into one’s life.

 

 

 

4. The List

 

Christian men and women have a list. It reads something like this:

 

·         6-foot

·         Ruggedly handsome

·         Versed in Biblical Hebrew and Greek

 

Or

 

·         Beautiful smile

·         Long, flowing hair

·         Has to be a virgin

 

 

Based on the list that they have prayed and petitioned for, they delay marriage. They wait and wait in hopes of a guy or girl of their dreams. But, was their list all that realistic to begin with?

 

Sarah Davis, a 26-year-old who works Human Resources for JP Morgan Chase, claims that Christian women let their expectations of what God has for them hold them back from love.

 

“We keep ourselves in a box,” said Davis. “My sisters have said that they won’t date a guy just because he listens to secular music.”

 

Davis, choosing to defy certain expectations, will be celebrating her second anniversary to Maurice who is not a corporate heavy weight. However, he has launched his own Christian clothing line One Throne Apparel and they are building this business side by side.

 

“In the corporate world, we think of the glitz and the glam. I originally wanted a man to wine and dine me, to fly me all around the world,” said Davis. “But what a woman needs is a man that can lead in patience and who has her in mind at the end of the day…In return, I want to give that man the world.”

 

 

5. Lack of Readiness

 

Marriage readiness should not be taken lightly. And yet, perhaps we make too much of it.

 

In 2014, marriage has become a crowning achievement or the pinnacle of success.  While it used to be about using marriage to stabilize one’s life, now young adults believe that they must first achieve stability before they can consider a life partnership.

 

In fact, the Knot Yet report states about 90 percent of young adults believe that they must be:

1)      Completely financially independent to be ready for marriage and

2)      Finished with their education before taking the big step

 

About 50 percent believe that their career should be underway first and it’s “very important” to work full-time for a year or two prior to getting married.

 

Some even believe that they should have enough saved to pay for their own wedding or purchase a home before tying the knot.

 

Both Bourne and Davis believe that it is wholly possible for a young adult to tackle both a marriage and a career at the same time.

 

“This is what we’re trying to teach young adults. The same passion you put into career success has to be put into relationships,” said Bourne.

 

While young adults seem to be searching for a very deep emotional connection in someone before saying yes to a lifetime commitment, Davis believes that it’s wonderful to both share and build your hopes, dreams and life with someone.

 

“I enjoy working with my husband on his vision,” said Davis. “I feel like it’s quality time for us.”

 

Atte does caution young adults in marrying too early, though.

 

“If it's too early, it's dangerous. But later doesn't guarantee success,” he said. “Somebody may be 24 and it's too early for them. It is not an age factor. It's where you are in self-awareness. If you haven't gotten to that place to make a long term commitment, then you should not make one."

 

Still, what steps are young adults taking to ensure that they are mature enough to make that decision?

 

Some Christian singles are attending events like The Convo in New York or The Exclusive Elite Annual Singles Retreat in Orlando, Florida where men and women can learn from experts about how to adequately prepare for marriage.

 

If you’re serious about your future in marriage, why not identify the issues that are keeping you from walking down the aisle?