Listen Up, Men! Our Porn Use Hurts the Women We Care About...

When I set out to write about pornography for Newd Magazine, I intended to contribute two pieces. The first was to be aimed at discussing the surge of pornographic images, stories and ideals that have burst into the public life of Americans. That piece, titled The Internet is for Porn, ran a few cycles back and, though tendentiously, did indeed accomplish its aim. I wanted the second piece to be a little more personal and a lot more subjective. The idea was to interview a couple of sisters in the Lord to gain a glimpse into how the effects of pornography in our culture trickle down into the individual hearts, minds and souls of some women.

My intention was to take these discussions and shape them into an article, primarily addressed to men, urging men of God to be more cautious about how our private actions may affect those around us. However, the courageously honest and beautifully articulated comments of the women I interviewed are more than complete on their own. They are raw and real and too perfect to chop up.

Both women live in New York and are in their twenties. Nicole is an actress/business woman living in Queens, and Whitney is a teacher living in Manhattan. Their names have been changed to respect their wishes of anonymity, but these are the achingly real things they had to say:

It is estimated that 30 % of visitors to pornographic sites are female, how does that make you feel?

Whitney: Sad-for them and for the world. There are two principal reasons I can think of. First of all, women are humans too and subject to sexual addictions like men are. Second, women do this to please men, because they've decided it's too big to fight, and because they have nothing in their lives to serve as a source of alternate ideas about sex.

Women as a population have habitually participated in their own subjugation following this pattern-we are confronted with some cultural trend or institution that marginalizes and dehumanizes us, but it comes from our own native culture (like abuse that takes place inside the home), and in order to avoid losing membership in our culture (and particularly to avoid becoming undesirable to men), we go along with the trend, trying sadly to apply to it some nonsense about empowerment, which forces us to further compromise our intelligence and dignity.

Do you feel like pornography informs male perceptions of beauty? How does that make you feel?

Nicole: The thing is...I think the effects of pornography (definitely a distorted perception of beauty, a lack of excitement for real women, or one's partner…the inability to be intimate and vulnerable with one's partner, and the list goes on...) aren't always seen by women to be the direct effects of pornography.

What I mean by that is that most women, myself included, are more likely to simply notice a growing disinterest from their partner, which they will immediately think has something to do with them (that they are no longer exciting, not attractive enough... and that list, likewise, goes on and on) but the basic point is that they will simply feel they are not enough. Sadly, this behavior or disinterest or inability to be intimate on the part of their partner has nothing to do with them...but in their minds, it has everything to do with them. I wish men realized that this is often the result of their love for pornography…that they are not simply messing with their own wiring, but they are breaking down the women that they love.

Whitney: Yes, I think it does inform male perceptions of beauty. And as much as I want to be able to say that it doesn't matter because I know that I'm valuable anyway, really it just makes me feel terribly inadequate. It's pointless to go through and describe everything about the typical porn star that attacks the self-esteem of women who are unwilling to surgically alter their bodies. Bottom line is, I'm afraid that in all sorts of ways, a man's exposure to pornography will damage his ability to love me.

There are plenty of sources out there that will say that pornography is a part of being a man, and that the best thing women can do is accept it, and even join their men in watching it. How does that make you feel?

Whitney: It makes me feel deeply concerned for the sort of human beings those "sources" are allowing themselves to become. Someone who truly cannot see what is negative or damaging about pornography is already operating at a significantly dehumanized level, and is in great need of spiritual rescue. They are also completely ignoring the outrages of human trafficking and slavery that overlap liberally with the adult industry all around the world.

Honestly, this argument, to me, is much darker and more worrisome than the content of any one piece of pornography.

Do you feel like you can see the effects of increased porn use in media (advertising, men's magazines, movies etc.)? Thoughts? Concerns?

Whitney: Absolutely, and just about all the time. That is, not in every commercial, movie, or show by any means, but at all times of day, in all types of media, and toward all kinds of audiences. The allusions are often subtler than direct reference (though plenty of them are not)! But, in general, it's a dizzying experience to become aware, even for a short time, of every single image, phrase, suggestion, etc. that you see on a daily basis that is intended to make you think pornographically. It's very concerning to me. It's concerning that marketers, who presumably know their demographics well, consider this such a broadly unifying cultural reference. It's concerning to me that I notice it, and am by no means immune to that cultural reference myself. Where will our hope come from?

Nicole: I recently went to the Broadway show "Rock of Ages" with a friend of mine, a female. While we found the show really entertaining and the music loads of fun, we walked out of it with only one thing on our mind - how shockingly real the strip club scenes were (particularly the dancing that was directed toward the audience) and the fact that these women were wearing clothes that left nothing to the imagination. What bothered my friend and I about it, was the fact that only a few rows away from us was a group of high school kids and their chaperones. These teenage guys were screaming and cheering through the whole thing. I couldn't help but wonder what the girls were thinking... what kind of message this was putting into their heads of what is desirable to these boys and what they will start to believe is expected of them in terms of their body types and their sexuality, in order to be desired by men. The worst of it is that I'm not sure this pornographic part of the show even phased too many people... The vibe from the room seemed to be that this was normal... a part of our culture.

Is it on your mind, or does it come to mind when dating someone?

Whitney: It has actually been fairly slow to come to my mind when I'm dating someone. Dating, in its casual phases, has very little in common with pornography. Sexual attraction is present in both cases, but in dating it's an attraction between real, specific humans-one they both participate in for complicated, exciting, personal reasons. Pornography is a great deadener-a killer of all those things. Discovering a pornography addiction as a surprise in someone I had been dating would be tremendously disappointing, and would be likely to successfully kill my attraction to them.

Have you ever dated someone with an addiction to pornography?

Nicole: I have. 

Did it manifest itself unhealthily in the relationship?

Nicole: It most definitely did. This person I was with not only watched porn every day, but would watch it on my computer and sometimes while I was in the room. His argument was of course that this was normal…that every guy watches porn. He had friends that did the same thing and they found it all the more amusing to watch it while there were women in the room, pretending to just gawk at the spectacle, but there was obviously so much more than that going on… Aside from the fact that my computer was often struck with viruses from all of his porn watching, there were much more harmful effects from this behavior. The most disturbing for me to look back on is really every time we were physically intimate with one another that it was not ever about us, or our relationship, or about me. It was not about two people expressing love for one another, or appreciation or well, anything adoring or healthy. The more I think back on it the more I feel that I was a tool used to excite him. It was always about what turned him on. It was always about trying something new, something different, and I was almost always talked down to, objectified by his words, and put in a position of submission. In situations of physical intimacy in the relationship, I could've been anyone.

Did this affect your thinking in any way?

Nicole: It certainly did. The relationship was not one in which there was a solid commitment anyhow, and there was lots of cheating on his part, but I think I definitely felt that I was not enough...which I realize happens in relationships that are void of the pornography issue as well, but at that time my idea of what was enough definitely circled around being hot...having the perfect body, being thin enough, hot enough, sexy enough... I suppose I ended up objectifying myself. My self worth lied solely on the outside, on my human body and how it was perceived and had little to do with my mind, or what lived in my heart.

Do you worry about it coming into your marriage?

Nicole: My first reaction? To be quite honest, I don't. My one experience with that was so terrible, and one in which I ended up feeling lost to myself, that after going through the healing process, I imagine it would be something that would be a deal breaker for me. It's a black and white issue in my mind… and yet, even as I say this, I know it's not that simple. It's fair to say that the relationship I dealt with in the past was already broken in so many ways, and there was little I wanted to salvage once I realized I needed out. But I fear that pornography has a way of slipping into the lives of even the kindest and best of Christian men. And that is scary. It's not outrageous to say it's possible I could end up in a good Christian relationship with a man who cares deeply for me and realize that he has an addiction to pornography, and know that while I wouldn't stand for it, I would be willing to stay and see him through the healing of that, were he truly committed to recovering. But the re-wiring of a man's brain in regards to their sexual life, I imagine, does not happen overnight, and that is a process that would be difficult and quite painful for any woman to stick out. Imagining that kind of experience makes me thankful that we believe in a healing God.

What is something that you would want a brother-in-Christ reading this interview to know about how pornography makes you feel as a woman of God?

Whitney: Two things, simultaneously:

When it comes to pornography, our only standard and goal ought to be zero tolerance. It is an offense to our humanity, and we cannot make treaties with it or allow it to poison us by trying to assimilate it. Never ever ask us to let it share our space in your life.

And…we see the power of pornography's attack on men, and have enough experience of it ourselves to get a sense of what you're up against. Don't give up or give in. If you only just begin to fight it, we'll rush to help you. You've never gone too far to turn around, and there is no sin or decay of virtue that God cannot restore to health if you let him.

K. Swann is a singer-songwriter in New York City with cutting edge thoughts on life, art and spirituality. He is currently studying Biblical Studies and Theology at Nyack College.