The Unfaithful: Man vs. Woman

October 19, 2011 • By Alicia Ramsay

Since the time of King David and King Solomon, monogamy between a man and a woman has been - shall we say - complicated.

There's been a long and glorious tradition involving "the other woman," "the concubine," or the "geisha." Such terms may seem ancient, but are not extinct.

While most men in the 21st century aren't rushing twelve brides to the altar, there are ways in which those so-called ancient lifestyles live on.

An extramarital relationship. It is a relationship with someone outside of marriage. It is highlighted every few days in media, celebrity culture and in the lives of government officials.

It is a phenomenon that is not foreign across cultures. From Latin America to Africa to Europe, many societies still practice the art of "the affair."

But, how is it that a man may get away with it and a woman is branded with a scarlet letter?

Men naturally chase women, and because they do, society has normalized the concept of them having multiple partners. Their relations with the opposite sex are excused because, as the saying goes, "boys will be boys."

"Women, whether they want to accept it or not, are extremely appealing," said Paul Samuels, 22, of New York. "Everyone of them bring something different and it's hard to choose one."

Women are seen as promiscuous, adulteress or worse when they step outside of the box that society has set for a proper lady.

It is a double standard that has been rooted so deep that even the post-feminist generation continues to filter the same norms, customs and ideologies found acceptable in the age of the Tudors.

"From an early age, boys are socialized to follow the sexual code of behavior known as machismo, which defines men as having superior authority over women," said Dr. Norma Cofresi, Director of Lehman College Counseling Center, in her article published in the Frontiers Editorial Collective concerning Puerto Rican families. "Girls, on the other hand, are socialized to follow the sexual code of behavior known as marianismo, which stipulates subordination of women to the superior authority of men."

So, if women are socialized to know the behavior of men, then why is infidelity as devastating and as destructive as it is?

According to an OWN original series, Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal, 17% of divorces in America are caused by infidelity.

There is obviously an internal acknowledgement that the affair is wrong, but that conviction may be repressed due to shame or denial.

"It needs to be hidden," said Silvana Santos, 34, of New York. "The fact that it has to be hidden indicates the beginning of an extramarital affair."

Not only that, if it has to be hidden, then it stands to reason that the individual is not proud of said act.

Santos was married for 13 years and has 4 children. Her relationship took a turn for the worst when she found out her ex-husband had been cheating on her for several years.

"At first I thought it was my fault, my mother even told me it was men's nature," said Santos. "I learned that what he did had nothing to do with me personally."

Blaming oneself is often the first response for a woman when a relationship goes south. This is closely followed by adjusting oneself to find a solution.

The decision to amend the bond of trust, however, has to be mutual.

The commitment of sexual, romantic and emotional security is the glue that holds marriages together.

"There is some research that suggests that we are all (men and women) capable of polygamous interests and behaviors," said Dr. Cofresi. "I think that the idea that men are naturally polygamous and thus, excusable from the commitment of marriage, is at best an intellectual defense for dishonest behavior."

Samuels admits he cheated in past relationships. His reasons, however, were not only for physical pleasure.

"There was a lack of emotional support and career support," said Samuels. "There is always going to be something missing in a current girl that may be present in another girl. It's just deciding if the change is worth more than what you already have."

Lack of spontaneity, boredom and family demands are all factors that may lead a spouse to be unfaithful.

"It is possible that an individual may fear psychological fusion or dislike the idea of personal limitations that a commitment indicates," said Dr. Cofresi. "In these cases, counseling or therapy is indicated before commitments are undertaken."

According to Santos, the reason for infidelity is unique to the relationship. After she found out her husband cheated, she decided to play the field herself.

"The reasons can be endless," said Santos. "I don't think that based on this experience that all men cheat...my ex has told me several times that he regrets all the cheating he did. I do not regret mine because it meant more than sex."

According to Ian Kerner in a FoxNews.com article on Why Women Cheat, women may cheat for the sex, but most cheat for another chance at love or to fill a deep emotional void.

"The fact that he never respected me and took me for granted got me to fall out of love," said Santos.

She confronted him a year prior to ending the marriage.

According to the 2004 General Social Survey carried out by the National Opinion Research Center, 3.9% of married American men said they had more than one partner in year prior, while 2 % of married women confessed.

"In some relationships, once the bond is broken, there is no way back," said Dr. Cofresi. "In others, sex is treated more casually and then with lots of work, the relationship can be restored."

According to the Unfaithful series, 31% of marriages do make it out of infidelity.

Through tough times, disagreements, and even affairs, some couples may still fight to make their marriage work.

They don't easily let go of the promise they made to each other and before God on their wedding day.

"What, therefore, God has joined together let no man put asunder." Mark 10:9.

Not even if the man is them.

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